To Be Loved
by WayWard Childe
Summary: Post-The Gift (SpikeCordelia) Cordelia tries to bring Spike out of his depression, while they both deal with a growing attraction to each other.
1. Chapter One

**Title: To Be Loved.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and mutant enemy and Fox. I'm not making money off them and all that jazz.**

**Pairings: (MAIN) Spike/Cordy, Spike & Dawn, Tara, Willow, & L.A. Crew friendship. (Hints at) Xander/Anya, Willow/Tara, and a few surprises.**

**Spoilers: Post-Gift**

**A/N: This is a Christmas present for Hieiko. Everything that happened on Buffy season five and Angel season two happened, it just goes AU after The Gift.**

Chapter One 

'Ugh this weeks been hell.' Cordelia thought 'First Buffy dies, which Yeah! That's sad and all, even though we weren't close I never wanted her to croak. But then Angel lay's the broodiness down thick, and he's about to leave. THANK GOD! Then Whistler, apparently the worse dressed demon ever, I mean I thought Lorne clashed. Anyway this Whistler guy says, Angel's road to redemption is back in SunnyDale. I mean I was a Princess like a week ago, HELLO! I sooo don't need to go back to that one star bucks town.' Cordelia shook her head lightly and looked over at Angel, currently driving. His intense stare looking straight ahead, checking every few minutes to see if Gunn's truck is still following him. 'I can't believe I'm having all these thoughts while he's in such pain. Remember Cordelia Chase, you changed you're a better person, no more of this Queen C stuff.' Cordelia thought. The two cars were just exiting L.A. and Cordelia saw the sign "Now leaving L.A." She looks at the sign sadly and thinks, 'Goodbye shoes.'

After learning that Angel's road to redemption once again was SunnyDale, the rest of Angel Investigations decided they would follow their fearless leader, and help make a difference on the Mouth of Hell. Even Lorne decided to tag along, claiming that Summer was always slow for Caritas, and he'll stay with them till Summers up. After that, Lorne's going to have to return and run his business in L.A. Angel said they could all live in the mansion that he use to own, he had the power and water turned back on a couple days ago. But their first stop wasn't the mansion; no it was to Buffy's house.

_Same time, Casa de Summers…_

The house was quiet, yet filled with activity. In the dinning room Willow and Giles were planning for their new arrivals, and plotting new patrol routes.

Xander and Anya were in the kitchen, they were supposed to be making sandwiches, but instead they were just sitting at the table holding hands. The loss of Joyce, soon followed by Buffy's own death made them realize that just to soak in each other's presence was a gift. They stopped just being just lovers and started taking time to be _more_.

In the living room Dawn was laying on the couch asleep with her head in Spike's lap. He was calmly stroking her hair with a soft caress, staring ahead with this dead stare that unnerved the others. Occasionally he would look down at Dawn with fatherly affection, making sure her nightmares of towers and portals were being kept away. Soon Tara came walking in with a mug of blood.

"Here, Spike." She murmured quietly, while handing him the mug.

"Thanks, Glenda." Spike said in a tired hollow voice. Tara smiled at Spike affectionately and patted his arm, before going to sit in the chair next to the couch. 'At least he's saying two words at a time now.' Tara thought.

Only Tara, Willow, and Dawn were allowed to talk to or touch Spike. Xander learned that the hard way six days ago. Dawn was screaming in her sleep and nobody could do anything to calm her down, till Spike got out of the chair he was in and held her. Soon he started singing an old song no one recognized, it seemed to calm her down almost instantly. After the event was over and they all went down stairs, Xander was furious that only Spike could calm her down. He told Spike that they didn't need him and he should leave the house immediately, that his being there was only insulting Buffy's life. Spike vamped out, growled, and threw Xander into the wall. His body flinched in pain, but instead of screaming he only growled louder. The truly disturbing thing was that even though his face was vamped out, his eyes stayed blue, as if whatever humanity was left in him was using the demon not the other way around. One touch on his arm by Tara made him stop growling, Tara nodded her head to Willow to do the same. When Willow touched and held Spike's other arm his face melted back to its human state.

Tara later explained that herself, Willow, and Dawn all for different reasons, calmed his demon. Tara said that her lack of hostility towards him was the reason he calmed around her. Although the truth was a bit different, after her family came to "visit" and Spike saved her in his own way, she went to visit his crypt to thank him. When she asked him why, he danced around the reasoning for a bit. Saying things like "I just wanted to hit something." But eventually Tara stared him down and he said that she reminded him of Joyce and his own Mum, and a little bit of his little sister that died a few years before his turning. He shifted on his feet a little and murmured, "How could I not help you?" Before going off to the basement floor of the crypt. Ever since then they had a secret friendship, much like his and Dawns.

She then went on to explain that every time he was in deep emotional pain over Drusilla, Willow seemed to be there to comfort him, albeit uncomfortably even he'll admit, but she didn't have to care. To Spike it meant a lot, caring for him even though he was the enemy, and it's something he won't forget. Everyone accepted those answers, and didn't even question why Dawn calmed him down. Even Xander and Giles could see the tender care and love Spike had for Dawn. They didn't like it, or him but after what he did, they wouldn't deny it or forbid it. Anya was as always indifferent to the situation not really caring unless it directly involved herself or Xander.

_Two hours later, four blocks from Casa de Summers…_

The car ride was silent; no one spoke a word since they've started the car and took off. Angel's hands were griped on the wheel tight, so tight that even his pale knuckles got whiter. His face entirely solemn, the last two years of Cordelia's efforts to bring a little laughter to his soul collapsed with one death.

Lorne and a fidgeting Fred were in the back of the Angel-mobile. Fred liked being around Angel, Cordelia, and Lorne the most. Angel was the man who saved her, her knight in shining armor, he makes her feel safe, and that's something that hasn't happened in a long time. She liked being around Cordelia because she's never had a girl-pal before, or maybe she did, it's hard to remember what her life used to be like. Fred really liked being around Lorne; he was so different from the rest of the Pyleans, he's sweet and talks to her like she's a Princess. Of course he talks to everyone like their special, but it's still a nice change, especially since every other Pylean treated her like a slave.

Cordelia turned her head around and saw Fred fidgeting, and asked "Are you okay, Fred?"

"Yup, I'm dandy, just a little nervous. I mean I know you said these are good people, and I trust you a lot but what if their not good people and they try to throw me through or portal or what if they just don't like me because I'm too shy or maybe everything's to bright and I can't handle it and I embarrass you OH and what if theirs no tacos!" Fred finished her babble.

Cordelia's eyes where wide as turned and looked at Lorne. "Was their one period in that sentence?"

Lorne then replies, "Yes there was one, but only one." Lorne chuckled and then turned to look at Fred, "You've got quite a motor don't you, Freddikins? Don't you need to breath?"

Fred blushes furiously.

"Don't mind him, Fred, there's nothing wrong with a little babbling. A matter a fact they like babblers, one of their inner circle babbles all the time. None of them will throw you into a portal, and I'm sure they'll like you just find. And every town has at least one taco stand so you'll be fine." Cordelia said matter-of-factly. She then flashed Fred a brilliant smile, which made Fred calm down and give a small one in return.

The car comes to a halt and Angel says in an emotionless voice, "We're here." He then gets out of the car, followed by the others. They all walked up to the door, but stood back a bit just before getting there. All of them nervous for there own reasons.

After a bit of time passed and Angel still didn't try to knock on the door, Cordelia huffed and knocked on it her self. A few seconds later a tired looking Willow opened the door.

"Cordy." She said with a sad and tired smile.

"Hey Wills." Cordelia replied with the same smile and a small hug. After the small hug Cordelia went into the living room, not wanting to deal with Angel's reunion and the introduction to the gang. When she went into the living room she got the shock of her life. Spike was sitting on the couch stroking Dawn's hair; now that's not what shocked her. Willow informed her of all the new things happing and one of them was Spike's friendship with Dawn, she even got a call from Willow before they came down, telling her to tell Angel that Spike and Dawn were close and they would have to deal. No the shocking thing was seeing Spike the way he is. She's never had too many one on one's with Spike before, but she did remember that he looked more alive then any living person. But this Spike was so…dead, his eyes, which use to hold such a glee for violence and rebellious attitude towards the world, were now hollow and dry. Cordelia figured that for the first time in 120 years, Spike looked dead. Cordelia wanted to be mean, she wanted Spike to say something cocky and have her roll her eyes at him, she'd reply with a sarcastic retort and then maybe they would team up and make fun of Xander. But how can you do that? How can you be mean and snipe at someone when pain rolls off in waves, the others don't feel because then in just as much pain, but Cordelia feels it, violent waves of pain hitting the shore, and she's the shore.

So instead of sniping, instead of vocal jabs she tentatively asks, "Hey Spike."

Tara instantly tensed upon hearing Cordelia utter those words; she then looked at Spike to see how he'll react. Will he growl? Will he ignore her? Will he throw her into a wall? To her surprise she saw Spike look up at Cordeila, contemplating how to react, because it seemed even to himself that he wasn't sure how to treat her. Spike gazed into her eyes for moments, letting time shift through his brain and help him decide.

Spike finally answered to Tara's surprise.

"Hello, Pet." It wasn't cocky or filled with bravado at all. It was hollow and it was drained, but it was more then he gave most people.

Cordelia almost shuttered at the lack of anything in his voice and soon sat by Tara.

"Your lucky." Tara whispered while keeping thoughtful eyes on Spike.

Cordelia's brow scrunched in confusion. "Why?"

"The last person who tried to talk to Spike, that wasn't me, Willow, or Dawn, got thrown into a wall."

Cordelia's eyebrows shot up, "Who was that?" She asked curiously.

"Xander." Tara replied simply.

Cordelia's face broke out into a brilliant smile, "I think I'm beginning to like Spike."

Soon Gunn, Wesley, Fred, and Lorne walked into the living room, while Angel went into the kitchen to discuss things with Willow and Giles. Spike stilled as the new guest entered the living room and he looked up to study the new guests in the house. The L.A. team started to squirm a bit under Spike's intense eyes. He studied ever facet of them with his eyes, looking at their posture, feeling what emotions he could feel rolling off of them. Fred had fear coming off of her, while the rest were cool and calm, and a little bit tense. Once Spike was satisfied he started stroking Dawns hair again, his eyes returning to their lifeless state.

"Wow." Lorne said in a pained voice to himself.

Gunn looked over at Lorne a bit concerned, "What's up, man?"

"Blondie bear's aura is screaming in pain. So much it actually hurts me to be near him. I thought Angelcakes was mourning, but wow…or maybe I should say ow." He finished with a pained expression.

Wesley spoke up, "You must be mistaken, Lorne. Soulless vampires can't feel human emotions."

"Well, Honey, this one can and I'm drowning in agony." Lorne shook his solemnly, "I need a sea breeze." Lorne got up abruptly and went into the kitchen; about half a second later Lorne came back out. "Lordy, Lordy I trapped by two walls of despair." Hr said dramatically.

A faint smirk graced Spike's face. 'Interesting.' Thought Tara. 'This is the first time since Buffy's death that he even looked like his old self.'

Spike's jaw instantly twitched and tightened as a muffled argument from the kitchen was heard. Muffled to all except Spike, who's vampire hearing made the words crystal clear. Spike slid out from underneath Dawn's head, and soon stood up. His faced takes on a determined look, and although only Tara and Lorne can see it, his aura quickly went from agony, pain, and despair, too anger.

Spike strolled over to the kitchen the words of his sire becoming louder and louder.

_He's just a soulless monster._

_He doesn't deserve to be here._

_He's disrespecting Buffy's life just by being here!_

The familiar words only enraged Spike more, he quietly opened the kitchen door and before anyone could blink, Angel's back was pressed to the table, a stake held tight against his heart and a forearm across his throat. Spike's face was vamped out, but his eyes remained blue.

Angel's eyes widened, "Your eyes." He gasped.

"Shut up, Angelus." Spike said, his voice clipped. "I don't want to here how you're better then me just because you have a soul! I didn't see your soul doing anything when you had those lawyers killed!"

Angel looked stunned, as well as Willow, Giles, and Xander.

"How did you know?"

Spike smiled a cruel little smile; "Drusilla came down, tried to bring me back into the family. She told me a few of your little secrets. It wasn't nice of you to set your own childe on fire. Shame, looks like your losing it, Gramps."

"Yeah, well at least I didn't let Buffy die!" Angel sneered.

Spike looked mortified for a second, but that soon turn to blind hatred. He raised the stake and was about to plunge when all of a sudden, Cordelia yelled.

"No!"

Spike turned to see Cordelia in the doorway of the kitchen, Spike returned his to Angel.

"We've played this game before." Spike said, his voice choked with sobs. He gave a humorless chuckle, "Always the bloody martyr huh, sire?" Spike shakes his head sadly, "If I have to live with it then so do you."

Loud sobs could be heard from the living room. Spike slowly released Angel and raced into the living room with Angel and Cordelia following closely behind. What they found was a crying and thrashing Dawn, trying to be comforted by Tara. Quickly Spike took the girl into his arms and tried to sooth her soft words. When that didn't work he began to sing.

"Early one morning,  
Just as the sun was rising,  
I heard a maid sing,  
In the valley below.

O, don't deceive me,  
O, never leave me,  
How could you use  
A poor maiden so?

Remember the vows,  
That you made to your Mary,  
Remember the bower,  
Where you vowed to be true,

O, don't deceive me,  
O, never leave me,  
How could you use  
A poor maiden so?

Thus sang the poor maiden,  
Her sorrows bewailing,  
Thus sang the poor maid,  
In the valley below.

O, don't deceive me,  
O, never leave me,  
How could you use  
A poor maiden so?"

His rough yet melodic voice floated through the air, calming Dawn and allowing her to fall once again into dreamless sleep.

"It's a song my mother use to sing to me." Spike reveals quietly, although it was loud enough for everyone to hear. "Helps her calm down, keeps the nightmares away. On nights like this I can't even leave her alone before they come back. Other nights…are better, not much, but better." Still stroking her hair, he looked down at her with affection. "She'll be fine for the rest of the night." He looked at Tara, "I'm going to go tuck her in, and then I'm off to bed myself." Tara only nodded. Spike picked up Dawn and took her upstairs.

Gunn leaned over to Wesley and quietly asked, "I thought you said he had no soul?"

Before Wesley can reply, Lorne answers Gunn, "Oh he doesn't have a soul, but he has a heart. A big heart wallowing in pain and failure."

"_Failure_?" Willow asked sharply. She still finds it hard to believe that she jumps to Spike's protection. A year ago she wouldn't of cared one way or the other. However certain events made her see Spike in a new light. Starting with when he punched Tara to prove she was human, ok she'll admit it wasn't exactly a shining moment, but it meant a lot to them. Next being tortured by Glory and never giving up Dawn's Identity, just because he didn't want Buffy to be hurt. After that when Tara burned his hand and she got upset, he soothed her with soft words, he tried to make sure she didn't feel bad. And the thing that broke it all was when Buffy died and he cried, he just sat there and cried and was about to let the sun take him, until he heard Dawn sobbing as well. Spike quickly wrapped his arms around Dawn and took command of the situation. It was new to them, seeing Spike the way he was that day. He wasn't sarcastic or gleeful for violence, he was clam, cool and collected, and when anyone tried to contradict him that day, he made them all feel like children talking back to their father, even Giles was affected that way. It was that moment they realized Spike truly is a master vampire, he's 120 years old, and he's seen empires fall, wars destroy countries, and he's seen the world change completely, yet he adapts and changes right along with it.

Lorne put up his hands in mock surrender, "Hey now, Cupcake. I'm not saying he failed, I'm just saying that's how he feels." Lorne shakes his head sadly, "Spikeikins here has a big destiny ahead of him."

Cordelia snorted, "What kind of destiny? Is he going torture us all with hot pokers? Or maybe raise blue smurfs who burn you to death." She then sighed, "Look I know he's in pain, you've got the blind not to see it, but last time I checked, he's the bad guy."

"Last time you checked he was. He's not anymore." Tara said quietly.

Cordelia looked at Tara for a second then looked up the dark stairs where Spike disappeared, a thoughtful look on her face.

_A few hours later…_

The rest of the L.A. gang went to the mansion, while Cordelia decided to stay at Casa de Summers. Cordelia tossed and turned on the couch, 'God, could this couch be more lumpy? _Maybe if I had my head in Spike's lap everything would be…_hey! No need to think about bleach boy like that, he's a vampire that tortures your friends with hot pokers…_and protects little girls from Hell-Gods_. He's irritating! _He's Sensitive_! He..he has too much bleach in his hair I mean HELLO Billy Idol much? _He's sexy_! WOHA there little voice that's sounds just like me. I must be possessed, that's it I'm possessed! _Cheek bones!_ Shut up! _Blue eyes_! Shut up! _Hey remember what Anya said about Spike's a-_'

"Don't even finish that thought, missy!" Cordelia whispered to herself. "Water! Yeah a big glass of water and every thing will be fine." Cordelia whispered to her self as she got up from her makeshift bed. "And a hammer to hit yourself in the head with over and over, then everything will be fine." When Cordelia walked into the kitchen she heard muffled sobs coming from the basement. Curiously, Cordelia walked over to the Basement door and opened it silently. She walked down the steps quietly as possible and saw Spike, sitting in his cot with his head in his hands sobbing. Cordelia slowly walked over to Spike's sobbing form and gently laid a hand on his back. Spike tensed and sharply looked up, just to see Cordelia with a look between caution and concern on her face. When Spike didn't say anything, Cordelia sat down next him, and for a bit wasn't sure what to do. Cordelia finally pulled Spike's head down into her lap and start running her fingers through his hair, similar to what he doing with Dawn earlier that night.

"No one does this for you, do they?" Cordelia asked.

Spike only shook his in the affirmative.

"I will." She continued on. "You know we got to get you better, buster, because brooding? SO not your thing."

A faint and muffled "I don't brood, I sulk." Could be heard. Cordelia rolled her eyes and smiled a little.

"Well whatever it is, it doesn't suit you. We need to get you back to sexy smirks and suggestive leers. Then maybe when you're feeling better, we'll make fun of Xander together."

To this, Spike only smiled.

**TBC…**

**Next chapter: Cordelia starts to slowly fix Spike. And Spike finds a new patrolling partner in Gunn. PLUS flying monkeys**!

**Their might be flying monkey's.**

**Maybe.**


	2. Chapter Two

**Title: To Be Loved**

**Disclaimer: See previous chapter.**

**Notes: A week after chapter one.**

**CHAPTER TWO:**

It's been a long week at Casa de Summers. Cordelia moved in with Willow, Tara, Dawn, and Spike. Claiming that she wanted to be there for Dawn. Back when she lived in Sunnydale, Dawn and her were great friends, they'd talk about boys and the latest fashions, or at least that's how they remember it. And Cordelia said.

"If I remember us being friends, then were friends."

"But." Dawn started to protest, but Cordelia interrupted her.

"No buts missy. And don't you _frown_ at me, it causes wrinkles and if you think Cordelia Chase is going to be friends with some brooding wrinkly teenager, well you've got another thing coming. I already deal with too much brooding from mister mopey pants."

To that Spike snorted, till Cordelia said.

"I was talking about you Bleach boy."

Spike's snort turned into a scowl as he mumbled something about "Sulking is not brooding." And for the first time since her sister died, Dawn giggled.

Although Cordelia admitted only to herself mind you, that Dawn was not the only reason she decided to move with them instead of Angel. The odd vampire that cried in her lap fascinated her. Although she was still wary of Spike, she couldn't help but be drawn in and try to help him and Dawn. And ever since she started living with them, both of them have slowly started to come out of their shells.

_Morning at Casa de Summers._

Spike woke to the smell of badly brewed coffee and off key humming. A rare smile crosses his lately grim face as he heard the enthusiasm in Cordelia's steps, as she tried to fix breakfast for everyone.

Spike shook his head, 'Should leave breakfast to Glenda.' Spike thought. A smirk replaced his rare grin as he thought, 'Maybe the cheerleader's just trying to poison us all out of pity.'

Soon the smirk melted and the grim mask returned, as the dreams of the previous night unleashed.

'Should have been faster, should have been smarter.' He keeps telling himself.

Last night he dreamed she died, it seems even in dreams he wasn't fast enough or smart enough anymore. Although the oddest thing happened, she got back up and was talking to him. Now the voice seems so far away, he can't even remember what she said. Spike gripped his sheets, 'Was she blaming me? I don't need anyone else to blame I already know that I failed.' But then Spike thought about it, 'She didn't seem angry with me in the dream. Bloody hell WHAT DID SHE SAY!' he screamed in his mind as he rested his head on his hands.

Soon the smell of blood made it's way to Spike's nose and the grin came back. Spike got up and put on his shirt and pants and made his way slowly to the top of the basement steps. Spike opened the door slowly and saw Cordelia putting cinnamon in his blood. Quietly he tried to make a break for the living room.

"Sit down, Vamp-boy." Cordelia said in a cheery yet commanding voice.

Spike sleepily made his way to the kitchen table and mumbled a "Morning, cheerleader."

She smiled at him and passed him a mug of blood with cinnamon in it. "Morning Spike."

Spike took a big gulp of his mug and smiled at Cordelia.

"I knew you'd appreciate the cinnamon. Lord of the brood said it was a waste of time." Said finished with a huff.

Spike rolled his eyes, "Captain forehead is just a gluten for self-punishment." Spike began to imitate Angel, "If all those people I murdered a hundred years ago can't eat, then neither shall I! Now I'm off to the store, I need more nancy boy hair gel!"

Cordelia chuckled at Spike's antics and returned to stove. Spike took another gulp of his mug and grimaced. 'Bloody Angel, why couldn't I just say it sucks and move on. _Maybe because she has a nice rack_. Lots of girls have nice racks and I'm not nice to them. _Well, maybe you like her_. Oh shut your gob! You don't know what you're talking about! I'm in love with Buffy! _But Buffy wasn't in love with you_. Shut up. _She never gave you that crumb_. Shut up. _She never would have loved you back_. Shut up! _It doesn't matter now because she's DEAD_!'

"Shut up!" Spike yelled out loud as he slammed the on the table. It shattered and cut zig zags in his hand. Cordelia whirled around startled.

With her hand over her heart she yelled, "Jesus! Bleach wonder, what's your malfunction!"

Spike stared numbly at the cuts on his hand as Willow came rushing into the kitchen. "Sorry." He said blankly. "Bad thoughts."

Spike got up and started to clean the mess, but Willow put a hand on his wrist.

"Why don't you go clean up your hand. I'll clean this mess." Willow said softly.

Spike nodded solemnly and left the room without saying goodbye.

Cordelia got two rags and handed one to Willow, they both lapsed into silence as they started cleaning.

"Will he be alright?" Cordelia asked.

"I hope so."

"When did we start caring about monsters?" Cordelia wondered out loud.

Willow thinks of Spike trying to make a scared and worried Tara feel better. "I don't know any monsters, Cordy, do you?"

Cordelia thought about Spike sitting alone weeping, away from the others eyes, nothing to gain, no sympathy to be earned.

"No, I don't know any monsters either."

_Several hours later, Living room of Casa de Summers…_

Team Angel and The Scoobies were scattered around the living room, waiting for Willow to give them their orders. Her and Giles have been formulating patrolling strategies for the last two weeks. The Scoobies have taken their time to mourn and now their getting back into the game.

Willow clasped her hands together, "Ok, here's the deal. Angel, Spike, Gunn, Wesley, Giles, Xander, and myself are patrolling. The rest stay here and look after Dawnie, ok?"

Everyone nodded. Cordelia wanted to protest, but soon she weighed her options. 'Demon gunk on new shoes, or baby-sit Dawn? Hmm lets do the one where it ruins my new shoes.' She thinks sarcastically.

"Ok." Willow continues. "Teams are; Angel and Wesley, Gunn and Spike." She paused, "Is that ok with you two?"

Spike who was sprawled in the corner of the couch simply looked over at Gunn. "Can you hold your own?"

Gunn looked at Spike like he was sizing him up, "Hold a lot more then my own."

Spike grinned, "Good, I don't need any gits I got to look after like the whelp here." He said nodding his head toward Xander.

"Hey! I'm a very valuable member of this team, Bleach boy!"

Spike gave a short laugh, Cordelia snorted, and Angel chuckled.

Xander looked at all three of them. "What! I am!"

Spikes smirked, "Sure whelp, whatever you say. By the way, Bleach boy's become a term of endearment around this house so try a new one." His eyes briefly flashed towards Cordelia.

"Whatever you say fangless."

Spike grinned in his mind; he's been waiting for Xander to call him fangless, after a little talk with Willow one night. Spike had the perfect come back.

"I may be fangless, but at least I was never Dracula's butt monkey."

Angel's Irish accent came back full force when he asked, "He was Vlad's butt boy?"

Spike smirked and nodded. Angel had to cough to cover his very unmanly giggle.

"What…how..who…?" Xander sputtered. "Who told you?"

Suddenly Willow looked very meek and guilty. "So Xand, oatmeal or chocolate chip?"

Anya patted Xander's arm sympathetically. "It's ok Xander, your only my butt boy now.

Xander looked horrified, Spike looked curious. "Anya! What! Huh?" Xander sputtered.

"Oh you know sweety, every other night we use the strap-" Xander clamps his hand over Anya's mouth.

"How about both, Wills." He said while glaring at the two chuckling vampires and one laughing ex-cheerleader.

Willow was blushing furiously from Anya's omission as she continued on with patrolling partners. "Ok, Xander, Giles, and myself will patrol with the Buffybot."

Cordelia's nose momentarily scrunched up in disgust as she thought about the Buffybot. All of the faith she put into Spike the night he cried in her lap died the next day when she discovered the Buffybot and why it was made. It wasn't till later that night when it malfunctioned and said something sexual about Spike, did Cordelia's opinion change back. As soon as the words washboard abs passed through the bot's lips she saw Spike cringe in disgust. And Yeah! She new he deserved to feel disgusted with himself, but the fact that he did. The fact that a soulless creature that should not feel that emotion or any other besides hate, felt it. Spike did feel sorrow, and perhaps even felt love. Spike was something unique, and she was beginning to understand that.

_Cemetery…_

Spike and Gunn were hunting the cemetery grounds. Hunting, not patrolling, because that's what it was to them. Gunn was totally into his mission tonight, but Spike on the other hand…

'_She does have nice breasts_. Bloody hell! Shut up will you! I'm not blind, so you don't have to tell me about the chit's breasts. _There's more then one way to be blind, William_. What the bloody 'ell does that mean!' Spike shouted into his mind. Before the voice could respond, Spike felt vampires.

"Vampires." He said in a low voice, loud enough for Gunn to hear.

"How many?" He whispered back as he came up to Spike's side.

"Six."

Gunn nodded and griped his ax even tighter. The six vampires step out of the shadows in a group.

"You gotta plan?" Gunn asked.

Spike nodded, "Yeah." Spike then vamped out and charged the group. About five feet away from the group he propelled himself into the air and dove at them like a vampire kamikaze.

Gunn smiled and said, "Now that's the boy you take to a party." Before charging at the group himself.

_An hour later, unknown bar…_

Gunn chuckled as he took another gulp of his beer. "You got some thrill issues, Dawg."

Spike smirked, "Yeah." Spike gave a short laugh. "You want to know the real reason Angel hates me? I had us kicked out of every major city in Europe. Couldn't stay in a place more then a week before we had a mob after us."

Gunn shook his head, "Man, Angel would never do anything like that, always planning and having a strategy. Not that theirs anything wrong with that, but sometimes I just want to roll in and hit stuff you know what I mean?"

Spike nodded and gulped his beer. "Yeah I know exactly what you mean. Stupid ponce always had to do things with finesse. Maybe I'll leave the fight with a few extra bruises, but I'll still leave the fight."

Gunn nodded in agreement right before they both slipped into a comfortable silence. Gunn never thought in a million years that he would be sitting in a bar with a vampire like they were old buddies. But their was something about the vampire, something he wouldn't of seen if it wasn't for that girl Dawn. Gunn didn't think he would be there sitting with him at all if it wasn't for his first night in Sunnydale.

Spike lit up a cigarette, "Sorry about your sister."

Gunn's head turned sharply towards Spike, "What?"

Spike face was more serious and his showed his age as he explained. "Demon grapevine, kid. One Charles Gunn, hunting demons since the age of twelve, didn't rightly make a name for himself till the age of fifteen when he constructed a small vampire hunting army. Had to stake his own sister, know how that feels."

"Really?" Gunn asked gruffly.

Spike nodded, "Had to stake me own mum."

Gunn looked stunned. Not exactly the answer he was expecting.

"She was sick and I thought turning her would be some magical cure. I mean I felt more alive then I ever felt after being turned. So I turned her and for a moment…for a moment she looked and talked and sounded just like my mum. Then…she wasn't." Spike paused and it gave Gunn time to think about his sister and how it seemed like her one moment, but the next she was completely different.

Looking straight ahead, Spike lowered his beer and snubbed out his cigarette. "Never told anyone about that before."

Gunn also looking straight ahead, "Not many who'd understand."

_Casa de Summers, The next day at noon…_

Spike and Dawn were sitting on the couch watching passions; Dawn curled and snuggled into his side. Cordelia came into the living and looked upon them a small smile, a smile that soon faded when she saw what was on TV.

"You watch Passions?" She was incredulous.

"Yeah." Spike responded gruffly. "What of it?"

Cordelia not taking her eyes off the TV sat down on one of the chairs. "Is Timmy out of the well yet?"

"Not yet."

Cordelia nodded and turned to Spike. "Spike?"

"hmm?"

"Me, Gunn, Willow, and Tara are going to the bronze tonight and we were wondering if you'd like to come with us."

"No."

"Oh come on, you can't stay cooped up all the time."

"Can too, and I'm not cooped up all the time. I was out last night."

"You were out last night killing demons. You need to do something fun."

"Killing is fun!" Spike exclaims as Dawn giggles at his excitement.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Listen here, Bucko! Tonight your going to the bronze and your going to have fun with no killing involved. If I'm going to be seen with you, you're going to have to stop moping so now it's fun time."

"If I stay here then you won't have to be seen with me at all." He sneered.

Cordelia raised an eyebrow and ignored his outburst. "If I must be seen with you in public then you've got to be presentable. Now look here buster, you're going tonight and that's that." She finished with a huff and walked out of the living room with her head held high.

Spike turns back to the TV screen and star rubbing Dawn's back a little. "She's cheeky."

Dawn nodded but said nothing as she turned back to the TV. A wave of sadness seemed to hit her, but it went unnoticed by Spike.

_Several hours later, a block away from the bronze._

Spike, Gunn, Cordelia, Fred, Willow, and Tara were all walking towards the bronze.

"So this is the bad part of town?" Gunn asked confused.

"Yup." Came Willow's chipper reply.

Gunn looked around at the clean streets and the nice will kept stores, nothing like the shops with faded signs and barred up windows of his old neighborhood.

"Ok, so where's the good part of town?"

"Oh," Spike spoke up, "It's over there, past that stop sign." Spike's leather clad arm pointed to a stop sign about a street down from the bronze.

"What makes it any different?" Gunn asked.

"Oh! Oh! It has a coffee shop!" Willow said enthusiastically.

"Ah…coffee shop?"

"Oh yeah, it's the best. They make the best latte's." Willow continued enthusiastically with Tara nodding her head vigorously.

"Oh the joys of living in a small town." Cordelia muttered.

_Bronze_

Gunn and Cordelia were dancing their hearts out down on the Bronze's dance floor, while Spike, Willow, Tara, and Fred were all content to just sit. It felt too soon for Willow and Tara, Spike never did dance at the bronze so he settled to get drunk and Fred was doing her best not to jump out of her skin.

"Well this was a bust." Cordelia said as she danced with Gunn.

"Yeah, Cordy but their friend just died a couple weeks ago. Your friend too." Gun said.

"I know." She sighed. "And Buffy was my friend, we just weren't as close and I just want to help them-"

"Spike." Gunn corrected.

"Huh?"

"You want to help Spike. Not the rest of them, just Spike."

"Maybe." She replied a bit sheepishly, then more strongly, "But I help people now, and he needs help."

"Well, Willow needs help, Tara needs help, and hell, even Angel needs help."

"Yeah, but I can't help them."

"And you can help, him?" Gunn asked.

"I don't know, maybe. I just wanted him to have some fun."

"Well last night on patrol he seemed to have fun."

"All you did was kill things." Cordelia sad with her nose scrunched up in confusion.

"Yeah? Killings fun." Gunn said casually, an amused but faint audible snort could heard shortly after.

Cordelia briefly looked towards the table Spike was sitting at before looking back at Gunn.

"Men." She muttered with a shake of her head.

A squealing screech followed by the sound of broken glass and feminine scream could be heard in the back of the bronze.

Gunn and Cordelia look towards the back.

"What the…" Gunn started but was interrupted by a flock of flying monkeys.

"Duck!" Cordelia screamed. She and Gunn hit the floor just moments before the flying monkeys zoomed by. Gunn and Cordelia crawled over to the table where Spike, Willow, Tara, and Fred were sitting. Now there all on their stomachs on the ground, Fred and Tara were under the table.

"Are those flying monkeys?" Gunn asked as he reached the table.

"Welcome to the soddin' Hellmouth, mate."

"Home sweet home." Cordelia adds dryly.

Spike grunted and shot up quick with a chair in his hand, he pulled back the chair and was about to hit a one of the monkey's when he heard.

"Oh! Don't hurt the monkeys." Willow yelled out in the same child like voice she used when Giles was driving the camper.

Spike lowered the chair and looked at Willow incredulously.

"What!"

"Please don't hurt the monkeys."

Before Spike could reply a monkey flew by and made a tear on the back of his leather duster.

"Bloody hell!" Spike yelled, "My jacket!"

Willow looked dejected and said to herself, "Bye, bye monkeys."

Spike picked up his chair and looked down towards Gunn.

"Come on, Charlie boy, wouldn't want you to miss the fun."

Gunn grinned and pulled himself up, he soon grabbed a chair.

"Got a plan?"

Spike shook his head, "No." Spike then grinned wickedly, "Ain't it grand?" The Spike jumped into the chaos, with a grinning Gunn quickly following.

_10 minutes later…_

"Bloody hell! Get it off my face, get it off my face!"

_30 minutes later…_

"Aw hell no, that better not be doing to that my leg!"

_5 minutes later… _

"Oh come on you soddin furby with wings, don't hide, it's just a CHAIR! Ow! Little bugger bit me! Come here!"

30 Minutes later, Casa De Summers… 

"Now that was a good night on the town, cheerleader." Spike said cheerfully as he opened the door and swaggered into the house.

Xander and Anya both looked up.

"What happened?" Xander asked curiously as he looked over the grinning yet bruised and cut vampire.

"We got attacked by flying monkeys." Willow said with big eyes.

Xander got up and started to bounce with child like excitement. "Like the ones in the Wizard of Oz?"

"Yep." Willow nodded.

"So, what happened?"

Willow playfully hit Spike's arm, "Meanie vamp head over here killed them all." She said with a pout.

Xander turned and looked at Spike, half anger half humor glinting his eyes. "You couldn't have kept one alive!"

"What the soddin hell are you on about, doughboy?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Ever since Xander was a kid he a wanted a pet flying monkey. Blah, Blah, Blah he's a loser, end of story."

"Hey!" Willow, Xander, and a now standing Anya yelled in unison. Spike just chuckled at Cordelia's blunt description.

Anya walked up to Cordelia about giver her a piece of her mind when she suddenly got distracted.

"Oh!" She said when she saw the rip in Spike's coat. "Did the flying monkey's do that?" She asked as she pointed to the rip.

Spike nodded distractedly only half paying attention as he looked around for Dawn.

Anya nodded to herself, "They lowered the resell value of your coat. I completely understand and approve your extermination of the flying monkeys." Anya said as she both awkwardly and sincerely patted Spike's arm.

Cordelia's eye's flared for a second when she saw Anya patting Spike's arm, but her eyes quickly went back to normal and she shook it off.

"Come on." She said as she gently pushed Spike towards the kitchen.

Spike opens the door, pulls out a chair and plops down. He spreads his arms wide and looks up towards Cordelia.

"I'm all yours. How do you want me, princess?" Spike asked with a suggestive leer.

Cordelia rolled her eyes with a friendly smile on her face, blatantly ignoring the butterflies in her stomach.

"Dork." She retorted as she got out first aid kit.

She pulled out the gauze and started to clean the cuts on his face.

"So how was your night filled with killing?" She asked casually.

"Fun. Your night of dancing?"

"Fun, till the killing."

He smiled sadly at her, "Don't really like it here. Do you, princess?"

"And you do?"

Spike shrugs, "It's home."

Cordelia looked at Spike as if he were crazy. "Every bad thing possible has happened to you here! Drusilla left you, you got stuck in a wheel chair, and you got a chip stuck in you head. Among other things, how could you like it here?"

"Never said I liked it, just said it's home. Drusilla once told me that the best thing to ever happen to me would happen here. She may have been off her nut, but she was never wrong."

"So that's why you kept coming back."

His eyes darkened for a bit, " S'not the only reason, but yeah."

Cordelia didn't ask what the other reason was as she quietly cleaned his wounds.

_A few minutes later, Basement. _

Spike walked down the steps to his cot when he noticed some one was sitting on it.

"Nibblet?" Spike inquired to the still form.

Dawn looked up, her somber expression on lightening up upon hearing his voice.

"Hey Spike." She said quietly.

Spike took off his coat and laid it down. He took off his boots and shirt and walked over to his cot.

"Going to stay here, pet?" He asked gently.

"Yeah, that's ok right?"

Spike smiled, "Always."

Spike slid under his covers and lifted the blanket for Dawn. She slid in and burrowed herself into Spike's cool chest.

"Spike." She mumbled sleepily.

"Yeah?"

"You loved Buffy, right?"

Spike was startled by her question, but answered anyways. "Of course! Bloody hell nibblet, what kind of question is that?"

She shrugged a little bit and didn't reply.

"I bloody loved your sister, nibblet. She was my goddess, my golden light. She was a reason to live. Now you're my reason to live, and don't you forget that. Because without you I'd be walking outside at sunrise. You remember that ok?"

Dawn snuggled deeper into Spike's chest, a light smile gracing her lips. "Ok."

**TBC….**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: To Be Loved**

**Disclaimer: See previous chapter.**

**Notes: Starts same night **

**Thanks to Squirl, who always asks me to write, and always wants it to be this story, hope I didn't dissapoint dove. maybe one day I'll be able to finish this in time**

**CHAPTER THREE:**

Angel Mansion...

Angel has been standing on his balcony perfectly still for three hours, 42 mins and 19 seconds. Watching the moon inch by inch as it glides over the heavens, ever so slowly. Because watching the moon and counting the seconds is better. Better then thinking about..._Her_..._Him_..._them_...and every other thing that gnaws at his soul, rips at his heart.

He closes his eyes and stops counting the seconds and sighs 'Why wasn't I here? Why did these meddling...Powers send me away. When I could have saved her _Well, he didn't save her, _OF COURSE he couldn't SAVE her! He's a monster! _So are you _It's not...the same. I've changed _So, has he_. No. _YES, can't you feel it?_ It's absurd! He can't change! He's a fool. _Fool for love. Something Angelus could never do!_

"Why!" He growled fiercely if not quietly.

"Why what, Angel?" Weasly's calm and gentle voice startled Angel.

Angel whips his head around and sees Wesleys concerned look, and tired eyes staring intently at Angel.

Angel looks ashamed and sighs, "Sorry, bad thoughts."

Wesley nods, "Buffy?" Wesley has no problem saying her name to Angel. It's this engrained, detached training that Wesley has that almost puts Angel at ease. No tears, and melodrama. It's comforting to not deal.

Angel nods, "Among other things."

Wesley pauses and then nods in understanding, "Spike."

Angel says nothing, but growls and turns back to the moon.

"I must say, Angel. I'm quite fascinated by Spike's reaction to the situation. It's rather unheard of. A vampire feeling such emotion for the loss of a human. Let alone, a slayer."

Angel says nothing and continues to stare. Wesley lost in his own thoughts and ideas continues on.

"I'd really like to interview Spike. I must confess a great deal could be learned from such a creature. I dare say this could change everything we know-"

"It changes nothing." Angel's abruptly interrupts Wesley. Forcing Wesley to recoil ever so slightly , similar in a way when his ideas were shot down by the council or even more so, his father.

Sighing, Angel grimly continues, "Spike is simply...Unique. The rest are just monsters."

Wesley's eyes soften at the meaning of that statement and decides to say nothing more. He stares toward the same moon as Angel and begins to lose himself in his own thoughts and fascinations.

Casa de Summers...

_Tonight he was faster. Tonight he was stronger. He bolted up the tower, leaping over steps, swinging over under and around bars like a wild animal. Yet...even then he was too slow, Dawn had already been cut, Doc held a cruel smile with excited eyes, and the portal was spreading shifting flowing and growing. Bolts of energy were striking sunnydale and demons from forbidden dimensions were spewing forth, hungry and ready to shred through this new unknown world._

_Spike was furious, rage and pain were pulsating through his very core. In mere moments he was upon Doc viciously ripping into him, tearing at his flesh, pulling off his limbs and just simply shredding him too bits. He shakily rose from the puddle of goo and turned to his bit._

_Fear shining in her young blue eyes, "Sp-Spike. Cut my ropes. I ha-have to jump." Tears spilling over, "We have to stop this."_

_Spike, covered in dripping gore, approached her with determination. Without saying a word, he ripped one of her bindings off and brought her wrist to his mouth._

_Dawns eyes widen in confusion, "Spike! What are you doing! Let me go!" Tears spilling, "I need to go."_

_Spikes true visage came forth and he sank his teeth into Dawns already seeping wound. Pain racks his body, almost crippling him as he grabs the banister next to him to steady himself. Face contorting with such immense pain his skin seemed as if it would split in half. Finally he dropped her wrist after just a few pints. Fatigued Dawn fell against the banister_

_Spike's trembling hand strokes Dawns young face, fingers sliding down her face and resting under her chin, he gently lifts her head to face him. She looks so confused, hurt and filled with fear._

_Spike smirked, gently "See, Nib. You're human. Because that soddin hurt. Now, I'm gonna go, pet." He jerks his head toward the portal. "Got me a world to save, don't I." _

"_Spike, No!" Dawn shrieked, gaining a resemblance of strength. "It's gotta be me. I'm the only one who can stop this!"_

_Spike smirked, as the portal evolved and destruction spread. "Don't think so, pet. It's all about the Blood." He rubs his stomach absently, "Gotta enough of that. Love you, Dawn. Tell your sister the same." _

_And then he leapt, straight into the massive blue vortex and as it engulfed him, he could feel his atoms rip apart, his essence tear apart. He regurgitated the blood and it began to spread throughout the portal, making it weaker and small. All the while he was trapped inside the core of this energy, ripping apart at the seams ._

"_Bugger." He grunted in pain. He looked around at a brightly blue tinted world. The scoobies battered and broken were pulling themselves together, staring wide eyed at the quickly degenerating vampire. He desperately searched for Buffy, scanning the rubble and carnage around him till his eyes fell upon her...his slayer. He smiled, not a bad last sight he felt. Then he noticed. She was saying something to him, desperately trying to get him to understand._

"_Can't hear you, pet" His voice is weak, his life is ending. And she tries yelling, needing to tell him but all he hears is burning energy searing around him. His limbs are ashing, his skin is breaking apart._

"_Can't hear..."And he was gone._

_Next thing he knew, Spike was free falling about a hundred feet in the air._

_Filled with panic, arms failing, "Bloody buggering hell!"_

_The ground was zooming towards to Spike, or more accurately Spike was about slam into the ground._

"_Oh..Balls."_

_And then...collision._

_It took a moment, or maybe several but with a groan and some effort, the master vampire began to move._

_Growling he raised his head and began to push himself up, but suddenly he froze as soon as he realized where he was. A slab of stone was placed in front of him, secluded in and off the beaten path deep in the woods. There it was_

_Buffy Anne Summers..._

"_It changed nothing"_

_...1981-2001..._

"_Stop pillock, couldn't even..."_

_...She Saved the world, A lot._

_He was close to breaking down, even in his dreams he couldn't-_

_A decayed and rotting hand shot of the grave and grabbed his throat. _

_He grabbed the arm and tried his hardest to pull it off. Choking out a simple "Aw, hell"_

_Buffys rotted, worm infested head began to break the surface of grave._

"_Sod..ing Night..of...the Sl.. ..slayers"The grip was getting tighter, making it hard for him to even attempt to speak._

_She broke free and was now in clear view, her skin began to regenerate, gray's became pink, lifeless eyes regained their soul._

_A look of demand and pure determination was planted on her face._

"_Spike. Don't let them do this!"_

And that's when the vampire's eyes snapped open.

His breaths were heavy and hard, and the blond vampire was sure if he had a beating heart it'd burst out of his chest. It's only the calming scent of his nibblet that brings him back to his surroundings. Back to the basement, not her grave, his nib curled around him for protection, instead of the slayers dead fingers wrapped around his throat.

He was clamy, cold sweat covered his entire body, shaken by this and so visceral dream. Running a hand over his face all he could think was, 'Bloody hell, I need a cigarette.'

He looked down at his little Dawn, a faint smile forming on his lips, then kissed her forehead and gently untangled himself from her tight embrace. Slowly and carefully as possible he tried to scoot over his ward, only for her to stir.

"Spike?" She murmured sleepily.

"Shh, pet. 'm gonna smoke a fag. Be back in a bit. Go back to sleep." He brushed her hair with his fingertips and she just nodded into the pillow drifting back into her too few good nights.

Using every once of agility he possessed he bounded up the steps without a single creak making his way through the kitchen, then out to the back porch.

The night was cool, sky was clear and blanketed by an infinite amount of stars, and the moon ….the moon was bright. It..is not comforting to the the Master Vampire. He feels bruised, tired, and confused. He drops on the steps rather then sits and slumps against the railing. Shaky fingers pull out his pack, placing the pack to his mouth and pulls the cigarette. It takes a couple tries but he finally got the spark and lit up.

Usually these dreams end in tears, and overwhelming self loathing. The need to be faster, the desire to be better, the hope...the hope that he could actually save her and she would embrace him. Longing for a moment that their histories are just that, and for a brilliant effulgent point in time he would be a man again. Because so far, being a demon just hasn't worked out.

But tonight...tonight is different. The dream beat him, battered him, and perplexed him. Never once has her grave been in his dream. And a returning angry zombie Slayer isn't exactly Spike's chance to be a hero.

'What could it mean?' He whispered inside his thoughts, 'What could it mean, what could it mean, what could it mean.'

It felt all too real, his throat hurts, his body aches, and too few events make Spike slow down and reflect. He closed his eyes and dropped his head. Spike wonders idly if he just stayed there and let the sun come, this never ending plague would just stop. He could go to hell and it would just be fist and fangs and fighting for the rest of eternity. It would be easier, he'd be thrilled, non-ending violence and all this effort would stop draining him. These dreams would go-

"What did she mean?" He whispered out loud.

"What did who mean?" Cordelia's voice softly crept on Spike.

Spike sighs wearily but smiles, the cheerleader has been a surprising source of calm and comfort for the vampire. Though also a disturbance, every time he's in her presence or thinks of her, some dueling voice appears and reminds him of how beautiful she is. It was distracting and a slight agaisnt his feelings for Buffy, but he can't seem to stop himself from seeking her comfort.

Taking an unnecessary deep breath, Spike slowly exhales with a soft, "Bad dreams, pet." And turns to give her a rueful look.

Cordelia's eyes grow big and she gasps, "Spike!" quickly she rushes to his side. "Your neck." She tentatively reaches to towards his neck,"Who did this to you? Was it Xander, because I kick that idiots ass."

Spike swiftly grabs her hand and bunches his eyebrows in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Confusions mars her face and then she explains as if talking to a child, "Spike...your neck is bruised...like bad."

"Bloody 'ell" He whispers, a myriad of thoughts and emotions passing over his face before settles to focus on a non-sequencer. "It wasn't the whelp, but I don't need you to fight dough boy. I can handle him m'self."

Cordelia reered back with a rude look and "Eh", holding up her she flicks the air, as if to say "leave that attitude at the door"

"Come on, get up, sulkypants. We're going inside. I want to take a better look at that bruise and you have a story to tell." She got up from crouching position and sauters off into the kitchen. When Spike didn't immediately follow, and haughty and demanding "Uh, NOW!" could be heard from inside.

Spike jumps quickly, almost in a panic before he shakes his head bemusedly for his foolishness, "Bloody chit. Gonna be the undeath o' me." Regaining his composure he swaggers himself right on inside.

Spike enters the kitchen and sees that Cordelia has already pulled a chair out for him and was busy warming up some blood. He plops down on the chair and fringes nonchalance, but he fidgets like an over hyper child brought down to the principles office. The Dream shakes him and he's barely had time to ponder it's implications, let alone the fact that it somehow bruised him. All he can do is focus on the silent beautiful creature in front of him. And scrowl, at the fact that he describes her as beautiful, scrowling even more when he realizes that it makes him scrowl.

Cordelia keeps her back to the former blond menace as she watches the blood spin in circles within the microwave. The nights have been restless for the seer, she was used to the noise of L.A , the big lights, big stars and never ending days. It wasn't just the possible missed acting opportunities, malls, beaches, and the glitz or glamour she long for. It was the people, she was connected to the city of angels, she felt their pain and agony for days. A whole world of people that she needed to help, and now she can't. Now she was back to the quiet yet deadly world of the hellmouth. Feeling without purpose, and so far...without visions.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP the microwave loudly reverberates through the silent room and breaks any remaining tension.

Cordelia gets the blood and turns to Spike, "Ok, Bleach boy, what's the deal?" She walks to Spike and hands him the blood

He takes the blood and begins to sip it, suddenly feeling tired, "Had a bad dream s'all. Was being choked...guess I did to myself."

"Hmm, maybe but unless you have dainty little girl hands I don't think that's the case."

Spike couldn't even hold back his surprise, "What you mean, Pet?"

Cordelia shakes her head in disbelief, "Spike your neck isn't just bruised. It's a hand print." She reaches out to Spike's neck, he jerks back and stills. The cheerleaders hand stills for a moment and she gives him a demanding look before she places her hand around his neck. They both feel a thrill they try to stifle.

"See, it fits my hand pretty well." Her eyes shine with doubt and confusion. "Did...Dawn do this?"

Spike sputtered, "What?! Don't be bloody ridiculous. She couldn't even bruise the whelp in her state now...Well maybe the whelp."

The former cheerleader stifiled a smirk, letting a glare form on her features, "Seriously, Spike. What happened?"

The bleached vampires face became stone, "Nothing. It's...it's bloody nothing."

A perfectly raised eyebrow from Cordelia indicated her lack of belief. "Spike...you don't have to lie to me. I'm...and even i'm having a hard time saying this, I'm your friend. I'm not one of them. You can talk to me."

Spike stared silently, his face is unmoved but his eyes...his eyes vibrant with emotion, a thunderous blue swirling over her words. He learned from Angelus that family has no meaning, from demons that friends can't be made, But Joyce and Dawn chipped away at the first notion, and now this cheerleader, this former Queen bitch who gave up status for helping...the hopeless. Which is exactly what he feels like at the moment. Utterly hopeless to understand these dreams, this grief over Buffy, and attraction to the women in front of him.

He opens his mouth slightly, testing the waters of his mettle, and she desperately tries to not focus on his lips. "I feel..." He losses his words for a moment and looks away, face tense he turns back, "I feel so human right now, it makes me bloody sick."

Cordelia's eye brows shot up, not exactly what she was expecting, but she'll go with it. "Yeah, well feelings are kind of a bummer."

Spike's hand slams down on the table, jolting the seer, "Well, that's the bloody problem init? I'm not supposed to have_ feelings,_ specially over a slayers death. And these damn scoobies, I actually...I kinda..you know if something happened to Dawn, im not sure I wouldn't greet one the next day, and that's sick. I shouldnt feel this way, every human and demon says it."

"Spike, if you were one to follow what others believe you would have dyed that hair a looooong time ago."

Spike dulls back, indignant, "Lay off the hair cheerleader, I'll have you know Billy Idol stole this look and it did wonders for him."

"Yeah! Like 18 years ago." Cordelia snapped back with a grin.

Spike snorts as a grin creeps up. "Yeah, well after the Reagan era I gave up on trying to blend in, with you bloody happy meals. Swatches...ridiculous."

Cordelia smiles and crosses her arms, "Ok, distraction time is over, Spike" uh oh real name, she suddenly and annoyingly becomes serious, "Seriously, what kind of dreams cause you to get bruised? Because it sounds like we might need to hit the books, or better yet, have Wesley and Willow hit the books and tell us whats going on."

Confusion marred Spike's scarred brow, "Who said the dream caused my bruise, pet"

"Duh, you had a bad dream and then you wake up with lady finger tattoos, not hard to put two and two together, I'm not just another beautiful face with a smoking hot body, you know."

Spike's look took on a leer, "No pet, you definitely got it all, can't deny that." The leer melted into stoic focus, "I've been having dreams about-"

Spike was halted by a piercing scream from the basement, and cries for the vampire. "Nibblet." He sighed, "More bad dreams" He rushes to the basement door ready to get away from serious conversation and comfort his girl.

"Spike!" Cordelia called out before he disappeared, stopping him in his hasty tracks. "We'll talk about this later right?" At Spike's lack of a confirmation, she continued " I'm not one of them...you can talk to me" He turns to her, letting a tiny genuine smile grace his lips.

"'We will, pet. We will." And disappears into the darkness.

Cordelia sits there, satisfied and tingly, letting his Pet shiver its way down her body.

_**Joyces Bedroom...**_

Sitting cross legged on the bed, resolve face planted firmly on, with an ancient book in her lap Willow squees with success, "Aha! I found it, baby" She turns her excited glee towards her partner, "It'll take time, and we need a whole lot of hard to get materials, but I can-we can do it. We can bring Buffy back."

Tara so full of sweet nature, caresses Willows arm in support, "That's great Willow." A moment of doubt crosses the witches face as she bites her lip nervously "That's fantastic."

And Tara really hopes it is


End file.
